You pretend, and everyone fell for it

I bet you have never been this calm when life comes at you. It feels somehow light and bearable. It used to ache in both parts: head and heart. You used to take medicines to feel better. But you've lost that habit now, have you? Lately, you no longer feel anything. As if it only passes by. No headache. No heartache. To the point where you start questioning yourself. Who is this person?

I know you, you talk a lot once you get comfortable with someone. You might follow them around and cling like a keychain they won freely from an arcade. You'd ask countless questions about their interests and give random questions when you're having a hard time sleeping, like, "Why do horses have to wear horseshoes?" 

You think you're losing that part of you, for real. You start feeling bad about showing your fun side. Probably too silly and childish for some people. The judgment was so strong, you could feel it in the air. So you tried to hold it in. If you act mature and calm for once, maybe the world would see you differently. You keep repeating that in your head every second.

You stopped asking unimportant questions and pretend like you know everything, well, you don't. Everyone knows it so well that you know literally nothing about life. That is basically where the questions came from. Nobody knows, and they will judge that hollow part of you for only God knows how long.

Yet there is something you want to share with the world. Something is different from you. You used to cut or dye your hair when you couldn't bear it any longer. Sometimes it's red and long, or a super short brown. Now it's growing healthier than ever. It's the longest that you could keep, and it has its natural hair color. 

You even spend more time with people. You started conversations that you had no idea you could. You sat somewhere you didn't know you could feel seen. You laugh more. You live more. Something is missing, though. Because they keep telling you that you never look sad anymore. Always on, happy, and all smiley. Deep down, you know, it doesn't beat the same way. So you asked yourself, "Am I healing, or am I just switching to new coping mechanisms?"

You hate it a lot. Distance. You hate that you don't think you're close enough with anyone to share about the pain you couldn't bear. You know everyone is tired and currently fighting their own battles. "But is there really nobody?", you thought. Everyone is busy. Otherwise, somehow unavailable. You hate that you constantly need someone to lean on. So weak and shameful of you.

So, you take off your mask every night. Nobody is around, and you feel it strangling your neck. Probably unsaid words. Probably feelings that are left unsaid. Probably the fake faces you've been putting on the whole day. The ceilings are dead. Ice-cold bed. Pathetic how you expect there will be open arms that can at least help you put a bandage on the spots that you couldn't reach.

Everybody knows that you are a total crybaby. How can you not cry these days? Why can't you show emotions like you used to?

When you said you're fine and you're not sad or angry, you lied. You're exhausted. You cried every night because of the boundaries you made for yourself. Pushing people away, but expect sweet souls to come and sit around. Stupid. Those tears probably won't come again because you know, it's you who's been making the bed. And there is nothing you can do, except to pull the sheets over your head. You always blew things off and couldn't find a way out. So you're hiding.

You constantly looked fine and said "all clear". You lied. It hurts you so badly. It's too bad that you're not even aware of what your body has been telling you. 

You might not cry or yell or do anything bad. But you have been having a hard time sleeping. To wake up. You forgot to eat most of the time. You didn't realise you let yourself suffer.

You think you lost part of you that is full of life. You don't know where you dropped it. You don't know who ran away with it. It's just not there anymore. You feel pretty much numb. Standing up straight, doing this and that, and not caring if it consumes you. And then your heart aches a little, while it screams in your head, "What is wrong with me?" 

So, you always keep yourself busy. You neglect that your body needs to eat. And to rest. You keep doing that because you love how quiet your mind is when you have a lot to do. You love how people see you as if you're fine all the time. So you pretend. Probably doing that to feel better. Only to feel. Not to be. 

Too drained to even be mad at anything. So, when that "feeling" comes, you let it be; laugh the whole day, forgetting the fact that you will always come home empty.